Can You Cheat On Your Partner And Still Be Considered Trustworthy?

So folks, I need some hot takes and clarification for this one…

 

If I was caught stealing from a friend would you still consider me trustworthy? Would you give me a job minding your store if you knew I had stolen from a friend?

I ask this because every time someone in the public eye is caught out cheating on their (usually) wives, a whole raft of defenders step up to explain how it has nothing to do with the role they are paid to perform because it is their private life.

So why is cheating on a partner given a break i.e ‘That’s their private life?’ Is it because so many other people cheat so they tend to come in on the side of leniency?

If someone was a pedophile or a murderer but kept it to their private life, would that be okay too? Okay… of course someone is going to say that those actions are illegal so, okay, what if someone spent every evening shouting profanities at their 6 year old child? Unpleasant – but not illegal, would that too be brushed away as ‘That’s okay though, it’s their private life? Welcome to a job teaching children?!’

Is there any other bigger personal betrayal than cheating? Because it isn’t just the partner you affect or damage, it is often the children and EVERYone has a choice to either man or woman up and deal with the situation correctly if the love is no longer there in a relationship. Of course it’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s being an adult…and a decent one at that…I know there aren’t too many high level public examples of decent human-ery these days… (and yes I made that word up!)

 

Surely dishonesty is dishonesty? To have an affair requires so many lies, scheduling, planning, avoidance, hiding things, self delusion and often such mean spiritedness in letting the partner think that they might be going crazy with their suspicions. A ‘celebrity’ did this to his wife for TEN years, repeatedly telling her to seek psychiatric help when she voiced her concerns – imagine the long term effect on this woman’s self confidence and mental state.

So is it a sort of general consensus that someone can be a rat in this way, (apologies to rats), but a fine upstanding fellow or lady in other things?

I had quite a few married men hit on me when I was more of a raver, (club and party go-er for our international friends). I always wondered if that was meant to somehow make them more attractive. Clearly it works for some women. It did the complete opposite for me. I considered them kinda …soiled. And whilst to me they were perfectly nice, even charming, I couldn’t shift  the idea that they had wives and beautiful small children at home whilst heavily hitting on me and asking directly to hit the sheets. Yucko! Complete turn off.

Some became my friends or acquaintances but I would never consider them as a partner because their character, or lack thereof had been completely exposed and I would not trust them in any important capacity.

Judgmental? I can’t say I care if it sounds that way. That’s why we are given the power to judge and weed out what does not suit us. Rather I’d call it standards. But maybe my standards dip when judging other aspects of human failings. Not sure why this one bothers me as being cheated on has never happened directly to me – but maybe because I have seen the misery this avoidable selfishness has caused others.

But, these days I feel like a lone wolf here.

Am I?

 

So School Me!

a) Shut up Theed. Everybody cheats! It’s not a big deal. Hell I’m off to cheat right now…

b) I hear you loud and clear Theed. You are not a lone wolf because…

 

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21 thoughts on “Can You Cheat On Your Partner And Still Be Considered Trustworthy?

  1. My take on cheating is two-fold. Yes, it reveals a lack of integrity, but more often than not, there is a reason for it. This is the part where women tend to struggle because some are themselves disconnected from its root causes in some cases, which is while cheating IS the fault of the person doing it, not all cheaters are doing so out of weakness.

    Wives, who once find their catch, find that it isn’t necessary to honor the juicy magic inside of them that mesmerized their husbands enough to say “I do!” Or the little things that get dropped, like date night (“Can we just stay home tonight, I am so tired!?) or the looks, the EFFORT that each person has to make on a daily basis. This cuts both ways, which is why people tend to step back from these relationship-based issues. Maybe one of them wanders, maybe another is bored to death with a partner that did a great job at first but has slowly let things go. Maybe so gradually no one noticed at first.

    Men cheat because they get bored with their women. A relationship is a two-way street and men who fall for women fall for the goddess. You have to be ready to keep her bubbling near the surface. Same for the man because women cheat too and often for roughly similar reasons. Loveless marriages, crushing routine, loss of engagement, and in my case, some of the worst acts of betrayal that actually had nothing to do with cheating. Nothing kills love than using children as pawns to alienate the other parent.

    Cheating isn’t the only form of betrayal in a relationship. Humans have devised amazingly soul-crushing things that they do to one another. All of it is a symptom of something larger. But we like to point to what we think is weakness in the other. In some cases, it is just that, but not all. But like routine, we cheat because we don’t have the cajones to just end the relationship. There is the fault. And just cheating is a fault, but it stems from a problem in the relationship. And some people are serial cheaters. There are many reasons for it, but it often isn’t done in a vacuum.

    1. Well yes, you are pretty much saying what I said and that is that people should be brave enough to say ‘this isn’t working’ and move on, but many don’t. In fact many would prefer to stay in a rotten marriage for stupid reason such as what their family or the neighbours or their network might think. But I enjoyed picking through your analysis!

  2. Can you trust someone who cheats? That is such a loaded question. Then again, so many questions these days are loaded questions. It’s interesting what you suggested there – how much of your life to keep a secret from your partner and close ones. People cheat because of their circumstances (what’s making them unhappy and unsatisfied) and their ability to commit and communicate. When it comes to affairs of the heart and relationships in general, if someone wants to get close and stays close but is pulling strings elsewhere, I’m out. Not one for condoning hurt on others like you.

  3. You went from stealing on a store to pedophilia….. that´s quite a jump.
    I stole Little things in a store as a youngster, and I have worked on stores later on in the cashregister, no cameras no nothing to monitor me so I could have easily stole but didn´t. In Jobs I think people in general do need a second chance, also in other aspects of human behaviour. And forgot, depends what you steal from a friend. I have stole from Friends and I have been stole from friends and in some cases we are still friends.

    You went then to being unfaithful to the wife ( I´m pretty sure wife´s or girlfriends are also unfaithful as it happened to me), so in that case no, one you fuck another guy while you are saying you are my girlfriend and I find out you lost all my comfidence on you, I don´t care about some great and rational excuse you can come up with. Out you go and I move on. Once the emotional trust is broken it´s very hard to regain it, if at all.

    And then the leap to pedophiles hiding that part of their life in the closet. Those should be castrated and sent to jail for life.

    Trustworthiness is a loose term. You can be consider a good person and not be trustworthy or a bad person and be considered trustworthy, again good and bad is also a loose term. Depends on each individual. Obviously there are the general rules, but there is also a big chunck of gray área.

    1. I hadn’t noticed how I had traveled with this subject i just saw it all as untrustworthiness and not good.
      Sure there are degrees of everything. For me i just wouldn’t trust a person if they did untrustworthy things. Whether they remain friends is open to the circumstance and a degree of forgiveness in acknowledging that none of us are perfect. But I liked your break down of the subject Charly!

      1. As I can’t even remember why you were banished to the corner in the first place now I would have to bow reluctantly out of this punishment. The precise corner will have to be determined for some other crime sir! Basically I’m going to treat you like a rich American criminal.

  4. Perhaps if more of us stop condoning the behavior, it will start to change. I mean, would you look the other way if a 5 year old was allowed to consume all the sugar they wanted or would set limits?

    So what if you didn’t have any male friends. Giving them the pass of friendship might be part of the problem. I know it’s hard but if they are really your friends and you care about them, perhaps you need to show some tough love by establishing your own personal boundaries?

    Good luck!

    1. I get your point but I can only set standards for myself not for them. They are grown adults! My standards for partnership and friendship are not the same. I could afford to be a little lenient as most, if not all, of the people I referred to were initially met in a work environment which would have made blanking them a little weird. The work circumstance made it easy to develop friendships.

      Would I have became their friend had I met them cold knowing they were cheaters? I have dumped budding friendships like that before as I was uncomfortable with their pursuit of me or their bad mouthing their partner, but I don’t know if I would do so now in every case without those kind of elements to it.

      Thanks Candy.

  5. Well put. If a person is going to betray their most important human relationship, how could you possibly trust them with anything important? Someone who lies to a spouse about something so vital would have no difficulty lying to you.

  6. I think it does make you untrustworthy, but I also think we compartmentalise things to make life easier. It’s not just cheating we do it with – in Australia we have a real sports-culture. There is a sportsman who actually glassed his girlfriend but when it comes to putting him in the hall of fame or giving him lucrative TV jobs, there doesn’t seem to be any problem over here. Honestly, it makes me sick. Mike Tyson, convicted rapist but people don’t seem bothered about putting him in movies. Even Michael Jackson – and I know there’s question marks about whether he was a pedophile or not – but people don’t stop listening to his music. Jimmy Savile – what a coincidence ‘vile’ is in his name – and yet my own parents are prepared to separate his pedophilia with his charity work – work that brought into direct contact with vulnerable young people. God, I can feel a rant building up.

    I guess what I’m trying to say (and failing to do so because it makes me cross) is that human beings are forced to separate these things because to not do so would tear us apart. We simply wouldn’t be able to cope with the grey and murky areas of life. Even you admit that you became friends with some of the men that hit on you, knowing that they were the type of men that would lie and betray their wives and families – not exactly worthy friend material. It’s something that we all do, whether we’re comfortable with it or not. I think it’s part of being a flawed human being.

    1. No I think you stated it very well in spite of the rant build! I love other folks perspectives because it makes me ask myself good questions. So why be their friends Miss Prissy? I suppose it is because if I wasn’t a friend to anyone who cheated I’d possibly have no male friends…especially in the industry I was in! And you are right, as much as this part of humanity irks me, there are worse things and people I would not consider being friends with based on what I have compartmentalized as worse than spousal cheating.

      As for MJ he had his day in court and they found bubkiss so his recent accusers can go to hell! I’m moonwalking to Billie Jean! …And yet…OJ Simpson was apparently not guilty either (lol you’ve opened up a can of worms here!)
      Do you know I expect Hitler could be a talk show guest today if he were alive based on your compartmentalisation theory.

      Would I turn off an R Kelly classic if it started playing on the radio or a playlist?…Can . Of. Worms Miss Lady! 🙂

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