This Lady Thinks Women Should Be Submissive To Their Men. Agree?

drkimesThis Dr Heavenly Kimes. She appears on a show called ‘Married To Medicine’ and she has strong ideas of what makes a good marriage. Here are her top 10 matrimonial tips:

 

1.  Have a hot meal ready for your man when he gets home from work. Let’s face it, I’m a busy woman, and I don’t always have time to cook. But if I don’t think I’ll have the time that night, I’ll have my cook prepare something, or I will pick something up.

2. Don’t be a prude in the bedroom. Of course, I am not encouraging you to go out and have a threesome, BUT keep an open mind to the new things that your husband wants to try. Don’t be so quick to say “no.” Take pleasure in pleasing your man. And please try not to ever go to sleep angry.

3. Don’t be a nag. You don’t always have to have response. As women, we like to give our opinions, often times, unwarranted. It’s OK to not have a comment. Pick and choose your battles if it’s not that important…let it go!  Your husband does not want to hear your opinion 24/7, especially when using a loud, high-pitched tone (that some of us like to use).

4. Show him your appreciation. You can catch more bees with honey than you can with vinegar. Be kind, and polite to your husband, and he will reciprocate. Show him that you are thankful for all that he does. Make your words soft and sweet. You won’t be disappointed with the results you’ll get.

5. Follow his lead. You married your husband for a reason, right? Hopefully you trust him enough to make the important decisions in your household. Again, don’t go with things that are immoral, or wrong, but definitely always remember to make him feel like he wears the pants.

6. Your career does NOT come first. I have a super busy schedule, especially now that I am a cast member on Bravo’s “Married to Medicine.” However, when I get home from work, I turn my phone off. I am there to get my kids off the bus. Family time is very important to me. I cherish those moments.

7. Look sexy for him. It is so important to look good for your man. Know what your man likes, and what he thinks is attractive. I realized recently that this is MOST important! Try to keep yourself in shape and put together.

8. Let him know it’s OK for him to be stressed. Because he is the man and is expected to take on a lot of things and it can sometimes get stressful for him. Men aren’t always good at expressing themselves when they are stressed or depressed. Let him know that it’s OK to feel that way, and make yourself emotionally available.

9. Marry someone you genuinely admire and find east to respect. When you admire the man you chose to marry, it doesn’t feel like a chore when you’re accommodating him. It will be something you want to do. You’ll want to give him the respect he deserves.

10. Get a support system. Surround yourself with people who are like you, or people who support your lifestyle. There is nothing worse than a friend who doesn’t agree with your lifestyle trying to give you advice. There is nothing wrong with being a submissive wife, and your closest friends should be people who aren’t judging you for it!

 

Question:

I’m really inquisitive on this one. What’s the general consensus? What say you?
Are we saying ‘Get a life sister?’ Or ‘Amen sister?’

Advertisements

243 comments

  1. I say: “Get a life, sister!”

    Some of the things written in the OP are so corny they might as well be sarcastic:

    “… he is the man and is expected to take on a lot of things …”

    Chortle.

  2. Great article. As a man I believe this goes both ways. Some may reference the New Testament in Ephesians 5:22. But they forget or leave out Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
    So yeah this goes both ways. It’s not one sided. I believe both have a respectful role. Simple and Sweet. 🙂

  3. Reblogged this on loner and commented:
    To find someone who is complementary to what you are, who “just completes you” is impossible. And so, whether you are a man or a woman, it is up to you to decide if you keep your relationship and your family before you. But, honestly I’ll die to have a girl like this in my life.

  4. The good Dr’s post, taken on its own, definitely contains some triggers for me. Grateful to J Voigt above for his thoughtful response. It’s how I would like to think I would respond when my ability to self-regulate returns…:) Great discussion. Thanks.

  5. I agree 99.9 percent with Dr Heavenly Kimes, and the 0.01% left goes with the part where rose2852 says “I also NEVER let my husband take responsibility for making important decisions; we both do that.
    This used to be very true in homes, especially my African homes, but everything is changing nowadays. Everyone wants to be the boss, forgtting that there cannot be two captains in a ship. Marriage is a two-man thing become one, and i think as such, whatever is done in relation to the both, be done with the consensus and input of both, to please not one person, but BOTH.

  6. Some good points are made e.g. family is more important than career, marry someone you admire and respect, but the overall tone relegates women to a minor role in what should be an equal partnership. I take issue with the suggestion that women should not be prudes in the bedroom. I’ve been asked to perform sex that I would have found offensive and humiliating. As far as I was concerned, it was more important for me to say ‘no’, than to consider ‘pleasing my man’. If denying men such privileges causes problems in the marriage, then the foundations were never strong to begin with. I also NEVER let my husband take responsibility for making important decisions; we both do that.

  7. Very nicely written!!! Sometimes I think we forget that even though we are strong and independent we are still women. It’s ok to be submissive but not to be walked on. I think a lot of people confuse the two. It’s nice to see a article about women being stong and submissive at the same time 🙂

  8. I think there are some good points here. Sadly they are buried in negative rhetoric. I imagine this piece was written to be controversial. Picking your battles in a relationship is common sense, but that thought does not need to be labeled “don’t be a nag”. The only point I outright disagree with it #1. If both you and your husband work, there is absolutely no reason he can have dinner waiting on you every now and again.

  9. Reblogged this on cafechica and commented:
    Found this interesting but somewhat controversial article today… this is not a popular opinion in our day and age. Anyone care to weigh in with their thoughts?

    1. 1. Nope. He’s by far the better cook, he likes cooking, and I dislike it. Also, prospect of planning ~350 dinners a year while he plans none is just deeply obnoxious. (I am leaving aside the detail that when it tops 90ºF with high humidity on a regular basis, no-one wants a hot meal.)

      2. Agreed, although annoyed at the assumption that I’d be quick to say “no”.

      3., 4., and 7. are fine… as long as it’s remembered that they’re mutual.

      5. …is… what… is this serious? He married me for a reason too, you know, and it wasn’t to stand around saying “Yes, dear, we’re not in a equal partnership and you’re in charge.” His phone could play a recording of that if that was all he wanted.

      6. I’ll make that decision for myself, thanks.

      8. Dear god, why would you marry someone who didn’t already know this?

      9. and 10. Agreed with the first sentence; side-eyeing the phrasing of the rest of them.

  10. This is a very interesting article… I tend to want to be more independent and that part of me screams, my life does not need to revolve around you! However, when I actually read through her points with an open mind, I admit that I do a lot of them (try to have meals ready, take care of myself, focus on my family in the evenings instead of being on my phone, putting my family ahead of my career). And you know what, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. But for a marriage to thrive, both partners need to be giving 200% and putting the other person first. I do expect that my husband will put just as much effort into making me feel special and taken care of as I do for him.

  11. This sort of reminds me of how to be a 1950’s homemaker or something. A little awareness and love, courtesy and honesty, go a long way. I would guess that far more marriages come apart due to criticism / negativity from a wife, than marriages coming apart due to a lack of being submissive and the wife not always serving her man.

    1. Oooogh interesting side avenue there DWP!…Not…sure…I …agree.
      I have heard many people suggest similar and I believe they tend to assume that because marriages lasted longer say from the fifties and backwards that that was either a better time or that everything was rosy.

      The fact that women literally had no platform to voice their opinions or desires – or little avenue to explore those desires, other than breeding, or that society frowned upon divorce and usually blamed the woman, might explain why women would accept any treatment metered out to them and remain within even the most unsuitable marriages at that time.

      The figures look good on paper but do not address the inequalities / dissatisfaction / adultery / domestic violence of those marriages. They simply indicate that parents tended to stay together.

      My guess is that some women criticise with good reason and some don’t. I would also suggest that a little awareness, love, courtesy and honesty should come streaming in from both parties. What say you?

      1. You actually may be more in agreement with me than you think. My 1950’s remark was to link the 1950’s ideal wife to the suggestions in your post, not to suggest that the 1950’s marriages were necessarily any better or worse than today’s. I agree that women often got the short end of the stick back then, and many marriages were in no way idyllic.
        As for streaming, yes, both directions is best.

  12. Dr Heavenly Kimes means well, I am sure. But I never trust any set way as the one way unless I search my own relationship with God. Otherwise my experience has showed me, that one thing isn’t working over the other. Done the whole submissive thing and I can’t say it worked, because honestly the person is not who God had for me.

    I also think we have to be careful whose advise we are following and asking the Lord to detall the hows for us (as Christians). His guidance for one isn’t always the total guidance for another. Sorry I don’t embrace her list, or her as a go to person.

    Now a Christian woman who has been married for 50 yrs or more, yes. But…

    Anyway, interesting post.

  13. I love that you posted this. What a topic for conversation! Nicely done 🙂

    I like that you mentioned (May 1, 2014 reply to Richard Stals) that everyone is perceiving this from their own point of view, tainted by their upbringing, environment, culture, etc. Because I was raising in the country, in an agnostic environment, with people that value equality in all relationships, I found some of what the Doc said disturbing, only because it flies in the face of what I hold dear – equality for all and individualism.

    I wouldn’t dream of treating my friends or family like this, and I wouldn’t tolerate being treated like this by anyone. When I’m with ANYONE I respect, I don’t answer my phone (usually it’s off). I give them my full attention. I don’t dress ‘sexy’ for men because I want them to respect and accept all of me, not just my body. In fact, I love when I see my friends in their baggy clothes! It shows that they trust me; they are revealing their inner, human side. However, I have to concede that I’ve recently learned (the hard way) that there is more to life than work/career 🙂

    But the clincher for me is that if someone attempts to submit to me, I walk away. I am a strong personality, yes, but I expect the other person to hold their own in our relationship. Everyone is their own person, this is usually why your friends like you and want to be around you. If you submit, who are you? I want to be around a person for who THEY are. I want hear their opinions, their thoughts, their views. I love and respect the uniqueness of individuals; if someone is willing to give their away uniqueness, they are denying their own identity.

    If part of your identity is to submit to others, who are you really when you’re not around others? If part of your identity is to require the submission of others, again, who are you when you’re alone?

    I think part of this may be related to awsmGirl’s (May 2nd) comment about mutual respect. Too often submission involves the lack of respect, both for the self and for the other. If submission is a sign of respect, go at it!

    1. Thanks YK. i particularly like this line: “if someone is willing to give their away uniqueness, they are denying their own identity. ” – I say be honest, be yourself, enjoy life.

  14. No, not amen. All of her points except 5 could be interpreted in positive (reciprocal) ways if it wasn’t for the fact that it is actually a checklist for being submissive, so isn’t meant to be reciprocal point for point. I hear the point of the poster who mentioned alternative lifestyle choices where a partner may choose submission, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I know by growing up in such a culture that there are groups who prescribe this as the “right” way to live rather than an individual choice, I could buy that argument and this could be a version of that alternative lifestyle. I’m all for individual choice, but inculcating people with the idea that this is the right way, the only way, God’s way, is indoctrination to an agenda. Plugging for mutual respect would get the same results without the propaganda.

  15. I’m coming from the context of someone who is active in the kink/bdsm scene, where ideally (and we all understand that not everything in this world is *ideal*), Submission is a negotiated status, reached with mutual consent, and _respected_ by those who are recipients of Acts Of Service/Submission. In this context, even negotiated relationships wherein the Submissive party is seemingly in a (sometimes explicity titled) “slave” role, are still relationships that are entered-into with clear eyes and mutually defined terms and conditions.

    It’s only when expectations are NOT clear, not mutually negotiated, that the games of relationships can devolve to passive-aggressive and therefore false “acts of service/submission” that are merely ploys for attention and control.

    Submission can be a wonderful gift, both for the giver and the recipient, and can indeed deepen a relationship when given wholeheartedly and when wholeheartedly appreciated.

    Honesty, communication, and respect between BOTH parties in any relationship, are the only foundations upon which a healthy relationship (of whatever flavor), should be based.

    imho/ymmv
    ~awsmGirl
    ~ on the /s side

  16. There is a difference between submissive and submitting out of love. Submitting is an intentional act of a person’s will, a conscious decision of a powerful person.

    This brings to mind a passage in the Bible that has been abused in the past but is increasingly getting a more truthful treatment (at least in my circles).

    Ephesians 5:22 and on:
    “Wives, submit to your own husbands… Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

    Many times they forget to include the verse before.
    “submitting to one another…”
    The whole context is mutual submission. In marriage this means that the wife submits to the husband, and the husband (gasp) submits to the wife.

    It’s funny how we have been shouting “Wives submit” while ignoring “Husbands die”.

    As a husband, it is my God-given privilege to lay down my life to ensure my wife and children are able to step into their destiny. As the ‘head of my home’ I am responsible for ensuring they flourish in an environment where they are valued and fiercely loved. In doing so I am able to realise my own purpose and destiny as a husband, father and man.

    Those who see the wife’s role as second-class submissive helper settle for a poor counterfeit of what is available to them.

    1. ‘Husband (gasp) submits to the wife’. Gasp indeed! But that is part of the problem. I’ve heard many interpretations of people’s version of what they say the bible actually means when talking about submission. Then I’ve head the secular interpretations. In actual fact it is merely perspective. Their perspective. Because as with everything we view, it is judged from our upbringing, environment, experience etc.
      Then of course you have the liberal omissions of bits biblical text here and there as it suits. Which really leaves the door open I think for just plain common sense and accountability for one’s own actions.

    2. I agree with your view on marriage more than anything I’ve met thus far. Too often we as Christians pick out the parts of the bible which make out argument while missing the second part of first part of a passage. Very important.

      It just reminds me that part of the problem is that God’s thinking is very different from our earthly assessment of things. Example, just when we think we have the answer. We still don’t.

      Unless it’s in the bible or via the guidance of the holy spirit, I’m pretty reluctant in agreeing to much. Feels like I’ve tried it all too. At the end, it all was problematic.

      Then again, those choices were not by the direct words of God. The total word…

  17. Well, I am afraid this post drove me crazy mad!! I would never dream of marrying a man who expected me to ‘submit’ and give and understand without too much in return (by the way she is expressing it) Relationships need to balanced 50-50 not skewed in one direction – otherwise someone will eventually feel resentful and short changed. These days the burden is on both parents to work and look after kids , so maybe he should prepare a hot meal on the odd occasion too!!

  18. After EVERYTHING I have gone through in my stand for my marriage restoration… everything I have learned about marriage vows, relationship, coming face to face with myself, past hurts and pain on me and others… yes. I do say Amen sister! Amen!

  19. you get an “Amen, sister!” from me. When there is mutual respect and submission to one another, God is honored and His blessings flow. Marriage is not to make us happy . . . it is to help make us holy! There is such pleasure in all aspects of marriage if we apply our whole lives to living God’s way. Joy unspeakable . . . thanks for sharing this.

  20. The word “submission” has been twisted, knarled, misused, misconstrued and abused so much over the years, it’s no wonder we fear it and hate it. I did, for a very long time. My husband and I were married for ten years before becoming Christians, and have been married for ten years since. I will tell you straight, where we once were in it for “me”, we are now in it for “we”. We’ve never made a better team.

    I read this article here on your blog yesterday but couldn’t quite formulate the words to comment and encourage. But then, today, as I was putting a new post up on my blog, I remembered. I recently tackled this very subject in a recent blog post, showing the sweet and tender, every day view of what submission looks like in the Biblical sense.

    I hope it’s okay to put the link here, in case anyone is interested in seeing a very normal look at how submission “works” in a Christian marriage. I could write it all out again, but would hate to hog your comment thread 🙂

    Thanks for coming to visit me over on the farm, and for this post. It’s been great reading the comments and discussions!

    http://thiscrazylittlefarm.com/2014/02/13/marriage-and-submission/

    Cassandra

  21. I can’t say ‘Amen’ because of the power of it’s meaning, but I will say that I am not offended in her concept of having a successful marriage. So I guess I will say WTG! We should submit, but it’s not a one-directional movement but one that ought to flow from one to the other. My favorite part is that of marrying one who we respect/respect easily. It’s easy to submit to one we respect. Respect also denotes honor. How is it that we can seemingly show more honor towards our boss or friends or government/law enforcement official than the one we made a vow to love? What’s great, to me, is knowing that submission is not solely to my spouse but rather the more – to LOVE.

  22. I find it unfair when a woman makes what works in her a little world to become some form of general ideology and model. This sounds to me like a false dichotomy. Submission is a two way thing in a relationship, and must be negotiated constantly. When women who other women will naturally listen to as a result of their popularity want to say things, they must remember to add strong caveats. Remember that women are reading from all over the world and the ravages of life are different for us. Do not make poor women feel all responsible for all that went wrong in their relationships. A man MUST be capable of taking charge to enable submission.

  23. I agree that these are all really great ideas and nice things to do for your man, however, it needs to come with give and take (I’m sure that this comment has been made somewhere else in here). I am so happy to be the submissive, all-giving woman described here, but I can’t do it all. IF that is the expectation, then I should be allowed to work a little less, or some of the house work or yard work should be taken off my plate. In my current relationship, I am trying to strike that balance between being sweet and submissive, and just burning out.

    1. Wow you’re a dichotomy. I would never have matched you to your blog having read that you are happy to be ‘the submissive, all-giving woman described here.’ Interesting. Very interesting.

  24. I found many things to disagree with here so I give it a “sit down sister”, but the one that bothered me most is the one about the flies and the honey. Yes, that old adage is good in some cases. However, my husband is not a fly and he is not something I’m trying to catch with my good behavior. He is my partner. I am kind to him always, but not because he is an insect that needs me to trick him with false pretense, but because he’s my husband and I love him and we respect EACH OTHER.

  25. Hi, interesting post. 🙂 The guys will love it, as for some of the suggestions, the gals may want to give some of the suggestions a shot. As we grow older, many of us get rather intolerant, and afraid to try something different. Holds true not just with the women, but for the guys too. I wonder if it has anything to do with not having parents around, or even if they are around, then that’s for very little time. No one truly admonishes us as adults, when we do something that’s less than “just right”. (Perhaps a good friend may do so.) We sort of get used to continuing with our less-than-best actions in any given situation (where one spouse’s actions have an impact on the other). We begin to believe (sub-consciously) that it’s fine to be thus. Who is to tell us? If spouse objects/disagrees, we don’t take it too well. After repeated situations, spouse may stop expressing true emotions/reactions to certain behavior. Couples begin to drift apart… the beginning of the end. Some people may like to use the term ‘compromise’… but it doesn’t always have to be interpreted as a compromise. The spouse who initially is unable to see that new perspective may actually be happy to be shown that side of the issue at hand. Then that’s not compromise, it’s agreeing on the issue. No one needs to be a doormat. Sometimes, even silence is a sign of disagreement. But hey, no two adults can agree on everything. That doesn’t mean you don’t care for the partner. You may even disagree more often than you agree on issues… that still does not mean that you don’t care about your partner. Oh well… thank you, for stopping by on my blog. 🙂 Appreciate it.

  26. In general I agree with this, but it is only half the story. There needs to be another list, and in our online world there probably is already, of what a man needs to do. If you are going to have a wife that does all of these things, you had better be living a life of 100% integrity. A man who deserves this woman does not call ten minutes before he is supposed to be home with his kids to say he will be out all night with his pals from work. He provides and provides well, in such a way that his wife does not worry about whether they will be able to pay their bills. He sees this behavior in his wife as an opportunity to try to out-do her generosity as opposed to an opportunity to take it all in leaving her spent and empty. This man being treated like a king sets his mind to treat his wife like a queen.

    The fact is that women tend to underestimate the ability they have to launch their man into greatness through acts like those outlined here. Any man with this level of support at home should be giving his wife the opportunity to sit back from time to time and be amazed at what her husband is accomplishing. This type of lifestyle is not a pathway to the good life where a husband never has to do the dishes. It is a launching pad to greatness. And guys, you had better deliver. Because any woman willing to do all of this to lift up her man will have plenty of men to choose from if you take advantage of it and collapse into the couch with the game on every night.

    1. An incredibly AWESOME reply Jim. It addressed what has always been stuck in my craw about the Dr’s post regarding the expectation of the man and the couple pitching in and unifying to achieve greatness TOGETHER.

      1. I completely agree with Jim, there has to be balance. The spouse (whether husband or wife) shouldn’t take advantage of the situation. Make the other partner want to be there for whatever it is, if they don’t want that then it’s time to take stock of the marriage and make a decision on what is best overall. Sometimes no matter what the other spouse does it is never enough and then you figure out you’ve lost the “war” not just the “battle”. I think her advice is wonderful and I hope it’s taken to heart by a lot of people. I have seen people divorce and remarry and make a lot of those changes in their life and be very happy. However, I think you have to be with the one you were meant to be with. Not sure if I want to say destined to be with or not, but I do think there is someone for everyone though we may never find them.

        OK, now I will get off my soap box.

    2. Jim,
      I think that is the point the author is making. Sort of a Golden Rule for marriage that inspires the husband to achieve and reciprocate what his wife does for him. I think the man’s side of the article was left out because of the target audience.

  27. HAHA. This was definitely an interesting read. Guilty…so guilty of # 3. But men say such infuriating things sometimes! Who am I kidding…a lot of the time. But it would probably save me a lot of grief if I just learned to pick and choose my battles.

    Not so sure I agree with # 1. Why does it have to be the woman? I’d prefer a team effort or at least an alternating responsibility on that one.

    # 9. That would be a given. I hope. Although I guess not every one in the world has that luxury, unfortunately.

    As a young independent woman, I’m not sure how I feel about # 6. I’m sure things are different after having children (should they be?) but as a child-less female, my career definitely comes first. Of course ultimately it comes down to individual situations. The healthiest way to go about it is to make sure there’s balance.

    Just my two cents!

    xx

  28. I agree but personally need to work on : “However, when I get home from work, I turn my phone off.”
    Good advice for a healthy marriage. I think if women treated their spouse this way, the man would reciprocate with similar respect and attention.

    1. Thank you for you input gapark. Good point about the phone although I can’t agree with the general assumption that the man would reciprocate automatically as I find that people find justification for whatever they wish to do, good or bad and whatever the circumstance. Some may choose to reciprocate some may not.

  29. I think when you’re comfortable and at peace in your relationship, these things come naturally.. I think by nature we are givers and tend to want that, but in this reality we live as strivers.. I like what she is saying… Read Captivating by the Eldridge’s, it’s a great read and oso enlightening!

  30. if I am honest this left a rather sour taste – it makes the woman’s role in a marriage one of manipulation and a campaign to get her own way. I also think that it is dishonest. Compromise should be the result of honest discussion between two people who married because they could not imagine living the rest of their lives apart. The worst mistake you can make – either of you – is to try and change the person into something you consider to be better than the person you said you loved unconditionally. If you do not share a sense of humour then however sexy you might look in your lace nightie, when you both get older and less flexible you will not continue to enjoy the romance and passion that comes from accepting and loving each other. As to the rest of it – marriage or any long term relationship that is going to last for the rest of your life is a partnership where love, household chores, respect and even stress are shared and resolved together. Do you honestly believe that a man will respect a woman who assumes the role of servant without wondering what her agenda is.

  31. Amen Sister. I think she is very right. As independent and ambitious women, we often forget there must be a balance. On top of her 10 points, I would add that it is critical to choose a man who more than loving you, fiercely believes in you and in your dreams.

  32. Its important in a relationship to have give and take and not just giving or taking on only one side. While its important to stand on our own and be the strong independent woman of this era, it doesn’t hurt to occasionally submit to your man to make him feel wanted – sometimes being too independent or strong might make your man feel useless and not wanted – they want to feel useful and needed : the saving-the-damsel-in-distress syndrome (just saying or maybe its just an asian thing :)). I guess what I’m trying to say is that, we need to know when to be independent and when to be submissive. As for the nagging, I find that icy cold silence works alot better 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s