The Difference Between Men And Women…Very, Very, True!

couplegfLet’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening…

when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then, there is silence in the car.To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…

“Fred,” Martha says aloud.

What?” says Fred, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Fred.

“I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Fred.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.

“No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

“Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Fred.

“That way about time,” says Martha.

“Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Fred,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”

And that’s the difference between men and women.

 

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The style directory for your home...

by Dave Barry

From his:Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys: A Fairly Short Book

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349 thoughts on “The Difference Between Men And Women…Very, Very, True!

  1. My 27 year-old son recently asked me what to get for his girlfriend of over a year. “Jewellery”, I responded. “Oh no, Mom!” he said, “she told me she doesn’t want jewellery.” He has so much to learn.

  2. Omg, why do we torture ourselves like that?! As I read the post I thought of 2-3 instances (maybe more) where I too was stuck in my thoughts of nonsense. Hahah this was great, funny read! Thanks for sharing πŸ™‚

  3. This is hilarious! Thank you for a good laugh. The dialogue is quite insightful, as well! πŸ™‚
    I re-blogged this at crystalknauss.wordpress.com.
    Thank you for visiting my site and for the follow!

  4. Love it. This is so cool, and so true. We women overthink everything. For more fun reading, check out “Men are LIke Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti.” Can’t remember authors names, but funny and true. I’ll be following. Thanks.

  5. Just what we all need a little more humor in our relationships; sometimes we need to let our hair down and defenses and enjoy just being! Too cute!! and Thanks for breaking the ice(:

  6. Haha…this is so very true..thank you for following my blog and for this humorous post, you have a very nice blog, have a pleasant day. πŸ™‚

  7. This really is perfect! I needed that laugh! Thanks so much for reading and following my blog. It is a wonderful opportunity to read through yours and see the variety of your writing and topics. All the Best!

      1. Yes. This short scene inspired us to relate it with our own life and come up with our post titled “The Tussle between Venus and Mars”. We have included your story in our post. Hope you received the pingback. Thank you again for posting this. It is amazingly very true! πŸ™‚

  8. Reblogged this on Mitch Teemley and commented:
    OK, so this girl/dude conversation by Dave Barry recycles stereotypes–women are complicated and insecure; men are uncomplicated…boobs. But, dang, it’s a hoot!

    First time I’ve re-blogged. Be kind.

  9. Hmmmm
    I somehow fall into the Martha category. Is it because I am gay? I don’t know but I am a man and I almost always have fallen into the Martha part of this equation. It’s a hilarious story, but I think men are as capable of being Martha as any woman is and that it’s possible that a woman could fall into the Fred role. Whether straight or gay. Is it not possible that one is more into the relationship or feels more insecure? I don’t know but can tell you I’m usually the Martha.

  10. While I was reading this I was at my office…I wanted to laugh really hard because this epic kicks the laughs out of your stomach.
    I am a girl though, but then you know ‘what is true is true’ there is no other way out! πŸ™‚ loved this!

  11. HAHA. Very true. It made me think of my experience in college when I have a very close friend who I love to be with. Unfortunately, we stop seeing each other now since the day of our graduation. That’s sad. But, someday we’ll see each other again. Hopefully.

  12. How true! The subject changes from time to time but the outcome seems to be the same. We just keep plugging along. Thirty-eight years on the 17th. Thanks for following my blog. I look forward to reading your other articles.

  13. I could always read my husband’s mind, why couldn’t he read mine? πŸ˜‰ Mind you , we once had a terrible argument but by the end of it, he apologised for something I said. He said the safest answer to any question was “Yes”. He was so funny. Love forgives faults and all, we had that for 44 years. Thanks for the follow.

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